1 00:00:04,832 --> 00:00:07,661 Home is a place where you feel safe and comfortable. 2 00:00:07,662 --> 00:00:10,388 Provided some stranger isn't sitting in it. 3 00:00:10,389 --> 00:00:12,011 Someone's sitting at our table. 4 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:14,979 Yeah, somebody's sitting at all our tables. What gives? 5 00:00:14,980 --> 00:00:17,362 Well, how 'bout couch? Nobody ever sits on couch. 6 00:00:21,952 --> 00:00:24,575 Oh, my Lord in heaven! 7 00:00:24,576 --> 00:00:27,819 What kind of barbarian would do something like this? 8 00:00:27,820 --> 00:00:31,031 Damn kids! Keep your drinks off my shuffle-puck table! 9 00:00:52,121 --> 00:00:55,675 Dude, how young is this crowd? Did they lower the drinking age or something? 10 00:00:55,676 --> 00:00:58,022 Let's grab that table over there. 11 00:00:58,023 --> 00:00:59,059 Ooh, yeah. 12 00:01:00,957 --> 00:01:02,785 Ha, where did this table even come from? 13 00:01:02,786 --> 00:01:04,684 I just put it in. 14 00:01:04,685 --> 00:01:07,066 You get to peek behind the curtain and see the inside workings of Crowley's. 15 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,413 I don't want to do that. 16 00:01:09,414 --> 00:01:12,761 Oh, wow. That could get annoying. 17 00:01:12,762 --> 00:01:14,521 Dude, switch with me. No way. 18 00:01:14,522 --> 00:01:16,247 Brendo? Dude, we're not Mike. 19 00:01:16,248 --> 00:01:19,008 Hey. Hey, buddy, here, take my seat. 20 00:01:19,009 --> 00:01:20,149 Thanks! 21 00:01:21,943 --> 00:01:23,289 Hey, where's Marcia? 22 00:01:23,290 --> 00:01:25,567 Oh, she's here, she ran into somebody she knew. 23 00:01:25,568 --> 00:01:28,466 Oh, hey, Crowley, what is with all these kids? 24 00:01:28,467 --> 00:01:30,572 Apparently, we got yelped. "Yelp?" 25 00:01:31,850 --> 00:01:34,955 They voted us Most Authentic Neighborhood Bar. 26 00:01:34,956 --> 00:01:38,821 All I know is they're willing to pay seven bucks for a PBR, so keep 'em coming. 27 00:01:38,822 --> 00:01:41,341 We're your regulars. I mean, this is our bar. 28 00:01:41,342 --> 00:01:42,791 Actually, it's my bar. 29 00:01:42,792 --> 00:01:44,827 And it's the circle of life. 30 00:01:44,828 --> 00:01:47,313 You know, you were young and annoying once, and now... 31 00:01:47,314 --> 00:01:48,762 Somebody else is young and annoying. 32 00:01:48,763 --> 00:01:50,385 We weren't annoying. We were cool. 33 00:01:50,386 --> 00:01:53,146 I mean, we weren't loud and we didn't spill stuff. 34 00:01:54,769 --> 00:01:57,150 Ugh! Dude, switch with me. No. 35 00:01:57,151 --> 00:01:59,566 Before you ran them off, the coolest people hung out here. 36 00:01:59,567 --> 00:02:01,672 They wrote plays. They drank rye. 37 00:02:01,673 --> 00:02:03,501 Wow. That is cool. 38 00:02:03,502 --> 00:02:06,711 This place was more of a salon, until Mike threw up in my wife's purse. 39 00:02:06,712 --> 00:02:08,368 How did you know it was me? 40 00:02:08,369 --> 00:02:10,370 Because you said, "I'm going to throw up in your wife's purse." 41 00:02:10,371 --> 00:02:12,131 I took you at your word as a gentleman. 42 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:14,098 But, Crowley, dude, this is hell. 43 00:02:14,099 --> 00:02:15,306 You know what might make you feel better? 44 00:02:15,307 --> 00:02:17,274 Why don't you have an $8 Meister Brau, huh? 45 00:02:17,275 --> 00:02:21,002 It comes with a funny mug, lights up, and for two dollars extra, you can keep it. 46 00:02:23,419 --> 00:02:25,385 You guys, this is horrible. We can't drink here. 47 00:02:25,386 --> 00:02:29,838 Yeah, but this is our home! Mike, you and Kenny put that shuffle-puck table in here! 48 00:02:29,839 --> 00:02:32,185 I mean, we cannot give up on this place. 49 00:02:32,186 --> 00:02:33,359 Hello. Hey. 50 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:34,912 Hey, baby. 51 00:02:34,913 --> 00:02:38,157 Who was that? That was Chase. I used to babysit for him. 52 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,366 I once cleaned his poopy pants. 53 00:02:40,367 --> 00:02:43,714 And judging by how much he's drinking, I may get another chance tonight. 54 00:02:43,715 --> 00:02:45,371 You wanna sit here? 55 00:02:45,372 --> 00:02:47,096 No, that door's going to be whacking me in the back all night. 56 00:02:47,097 --> 00:02:48,512 You guys, I'm going to pop. 57 00:02:48,513 --> 00:02:49,858 We gotta go someplace else. 58 00:02:49,859 --> 00:02:51,963 Why don't you have everyone over to your place? 59 00:02:51,964 --> 00:02:55,588 I mean, it's huge and I just restocked the fridge with all these tasty cheeses. 60 00:02:55,589 --> 00:02:56,727 They don't want to go to my place. 61 00:02:56,728 --> 00:02:58,729 I kind of do. No, you don't. 62 00:02:58,730 --> 00:03:02,043 It's far, and I spilled a box of thumbtacks in the living room. 63 00:03:03,838 --> 00:03:06,046 Okay, you guys figure it out, I'll be right back. 64 00:03:06,047 --> 00:03:08,704 Oh, God, is that a line? 65 00:03:08,705 --> 00:03:10,224 You've got to be kidding me. 66 00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:15,297 Mike, she still thinks you own Andy's place? 67 00:03:15,298 --> 00:03:17,575 Dude, you have got to tell Marcia the truth. 68 00:03:17,576 --> 00:03:19,336 It is the weirdest lie ever. 69 00:03:19,337 --> 00:03:21,648 Weirder than, "I won a car on The Price is Right?" 70 00:03:21,649 --> 00:03:22,925 Was it a car? You told me boat. 71 00:03:22,926 --> 00:03:24,064 It was a camper. 72 00:03:24,065 --> 00:03:25,928 It was nothing! It was a lie! 73 00:03:25,929 --> 00:03:28,483 I never told Marcia that Andy's place was mine. 74 00:03:28,484 --> 00:03:30,485 She just sort of came to believe it. 75 00:03:30,486 --> 00:03:32,418 Because you keep pretending that you live there! 76 00:03:32,419 --> 00:03:34,937 I know, and now I'm neck deep in this lie. 77 00:03:34,938 --> 00:03:36,249 And I'm freaking out. 78 00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:38,389 But, I mean, what am I supposed to say? 79 00:03:38,390 --> 00:03:41,081 How about, "That bedroom that's furnished for a little girl isn't my office." 80 00:03:41,082 --> 00:03:42,773 Okay, look, I can't tell her the truth. 81 00:03:42,774 --> 00:03:45,189 She thinks I'm a grown-up man with a grown-up place! 82 00:03:45,190 --> 00:03:48,848 Why don't you just fix your place up, and then when you tell her the truth, 83 00:03:48,849 --> 00:03:50,747 it'll soften the blow when she sees... 84 00:03:52,542 --> 00:03:53,887 That my place is a dump? 85 00:03:53,888 --> 00:03:55,199 Well, see, that's why I stopped. 86 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:56,856 I realized there was no good end to that sentence. 87 00:03:56,857 --> 00:03:59,134 My place is so not Marcia-ready. 88 00:03:59,135 --> 00:04:00,963 Dude, it's not really anybody-ready. 89 00:04:00,964 --> 00:04:03,172 All right, look, Mike, you're going to calm down, okay? 90 00:04:03,173 --> 00:04:06,314 How about Steph and I come over to your place, we'll help spruce it up a little bit. 91 00:04:06,315 --> 00:04:08,350 Would you? That would be awesome. 92 00:04:08,351 --> 00:04:10,767 Absolutely, I would be so happy to help. 93 00:04:12,113 --> 00:04:14,218 There are two girls in there just crying. 94 00:04:14,219 --> 00:04:15,703 Crying and crying... 95 00:04:17,912 --> 00:04:20,120 Ah, all right, that's it. 96 00:04:20,121 --> 00:04:21,984 If I stay here any longer, I'm literally going to burst into flames. 97 00:04:21,985 --> 00:04:24,539 Don't do that. The flames will ignite all the Axe body spray, 98 00:04:24,540 --> 00:04:26,300 and this place will go up like a dry Christmas tree. 99 00:04:27,991 --> 00:04:29,129 Let's go. 100 00:04:29,130 --> 00:04:30,684 You know what? Let's just... Yeah. 101 00:04:38,139 --> 00:04:40,417 Hey. Hey. 102 00:04:40,418 --> 00:04:42,453 Hey, you guys, I just drove by Crowley's. 103 00:04:42,454 --> 00:04:44,869 And there's a line to get in and a doorman. 104 00:04:44,870 --> 00:04:46,457 What? That's not right. 105 00:04:46,458 --> 00:04:48,563 It's not good. 106 00:04:48,564 --> 00:04:50,012 You guys, we're going to need to find a new bar to call our own. 107 00:04:50,013 --> 00:04:52,360 Fantastic! 108 00:04:52,361 --> 00:04:56,191 I mean, I know that you're heartbroken, but fantastic! 109 00:04:56,192 --> 00:04:58,193 You don't like Crowley's? 110 00:04:58,194 --> 00:05:00,609 I've only been campaigning to leave that place for three years. Where are we going? 111 00:05:00,610 --> 00:05:02,266 Well, it shouldn't be too hard to find a new bar. 112 00:05:02,267 --> 00:05:04,095 I mean, there's like four billion of them in this town. 113 00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:05,925 Yeah, but not every bar is for us. 114 00:05:05,926 --> 00:05:09,618 You know, cops have cop bars, bikers got biker bars, chefs got chef bars. 115 00:05:09,619 --> 00:05:11,896 Chef bars? You just made that up. 116 00:05:11,897 --> 00:05:14,692 No, the bar on the corner of Clark and Wrightwood, that's a chef bar. 117 00:05:14,693 --> 00:05:16,453 You've never been in there because you're not a chef. 118 00:05:16,454 --> 00:05:18,524 I've never been in there because it's dark and it smells funny. 119 00:05:18,525 --> 00:05:19,835 It's a chef bar. 120 00:05:19,836 --> 00:05:21,354 Why don't we all just hang out at my club? 121 00:05:22,425 --> 00:05:24,184 With all due respect, no. Why? 122 00:05:24,185 --> 00:05:26,048 There's a cover charge. And it's loud. 123 00:05:26,049 --> 00:05:27,153 With gross bathrooms. 124 00:05:27,154 --> 00:05:28,775 The douche factor. 125 00:05:28,776 --> 00:05:30,985 All right, all right! Take it easy. Let's not all turn on each other. 126 00:05:32,021 --> 00:05:33,332 Assholes. 127 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,506 Hey, guys, what's our top criteria for the new bar? 128 00:05:35,507 --> 00:05:37,197 The thing I liked about Crowley's 129 00:05:37,198 --> 00:05:39,303 was that it was so quiet you could talk to your friends. 130 00:05:39,304 --> 00:05:41,443 And it had a TV, in case you got tired of talking to your friends. 131 00:05:41,444 --> 00:05:43,307 I never get tired of talking to you, dude. 132 00:05:43,308 --> 00:05:44,515 I'm aware of that. 133 00:05:44,516 --> 00:05:46,206 All right, guys, here's the homework. 134 00:05:46,207 --> 00:05:49,727 Let's all fan out. We'll each check out three bars, and then report back. 135 00:05:49,728 --> 00:05:51,004 Agreed? 136 00:05:51,005 --> 00:05:52,489 Agreed! All right. 137 00:05:52,490 --> 00:05:55,250 Hey, anybody want to check out that chimney sweep bar on Kedzie? 138 00:05:55,251 --> 00:05:56,872 Actually, Mike, you're busy. 139 00:05:56,873 --> 00:05:58,943 Tomorrow, Steph and I are going to come over and we're going to help you 140 00:05:58,944 --> 00:06:00,980 Marcia-tize your place. 141 00:06:00,981 --> 00:06:03,845 Or, in lieu of doing all that work, what if I just bought Andy's place? 142 00:06:03,846 --> 00:06:05,329 It's on the market for 800,000. 143 00:06:05,330 --> 00:06:06,504 I'll be there at 5:00. Okay. 144 00:06:10,128 --> 00:06:15,650 I don't think I've ever been here before. 145 00:06:15,651 --> 00:06:18,688 Interesting note, no woman has been here twice. 146 00:06:19,620 --> 00:06:20,725 Surprising. 147 00:06:22,692 --> 00:06:25,074 Okay, where do we begin? 148 00:06:29,803 --> 00:06:31,770 The bathroom. 149 00:06:32,530 --> 00:06:33,978 Oh, my. 150 00:06:33,979 --> 00:06:35,083 It's just a normal bathroom. 151 00:06:35,084 --> 00:06:37,326 Shower, hot and cold water. 152 00:06:37,327 --> 00:06:40,295 Business time, an amazing picture of Scottie Pippen. 153 00:06:40,296 --> 00:06:43,816 One towel, slightly damp, too small for the average male body, check. 154 00:06:43,817 --> 00:06:46,922 Tower of magazines right by the john, check. 155 00:06:46,923 --> 00:06:48,200 Oh, and look at this. 156 00:06:49,201 --> 00:06:51,030 Frosted glass shower door. 157 00:06:51,031 --> 00:06:53,274 Okay, that glass is not frosted. 158 00:06:54,690 --> 00:06:55,760 Oh, yeah, that comes off. 159 00:06:59,557 --> 00:07:02,006 I know, I know. I gotta get this thing fixed. 160 00:07:02,007 --> 00:07:04,630 Hey, Mike, why do you have a can of tennis balls in your fridge? 161 00:07:04,631 --> 00:07:05,976 No, no, that's Chinese take-out. 162 00:07:05,977 --> 00:07:07,633 Can keeps stuff fresh. 163 00:07:07,634 --> 00:07:08,910 Where are your pots and pans? 164 00:07:08,911 --> 00:07:11,430 Pots and pans? You're cute. 165 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,362 Ah, so, what do you guys think? 166 00:07:13,363 --> 00:07:16,124 I think that you can't bring Marcia here. 167 00:07:16,125 --> 00:07:19,541 I think she'll take one sniff of this place and run away screaming. 168 00:07:19,542 --> 00:07:21,267 Interesting, uh, what do you think? 169 00:07:21,268 --> 00:07:22,614 I feel scared. 170 00:07:23,546 --> 00:07:25,651 Uh, and nauseous. 171 00:07:25,652 --> 00:07:27,342 I don't know what you did, but I want to turn you in. 172 00:07:27,343 --> 00:07:30,276 Okay, look, I know that the place needs to be cleaned, all right? 173 00:07:30,277 --> 00:07:33,935 I got a broom here and I got a piece of cardboard to sweep some stuff up. 174 00:07:33,936 --> 00:07:35,178 And look what I got. 175 00:07:36,317 --> 00:07:37,422 Engine degreaser. 176 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:39,561 Too strong? 177 00:07:39,562 --> 00:07:40,942 You have a lot of work to do in here, Mike. 178 00:07:40,943 --> 00:07:43,254 I think you need an entire cleaning crew. 179 00:07:43,255 --> 00:07:46,119 There are companies who clean up after murders. 180 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:47,638 Call them. 181 00:07:47,639 --> 00:07:50,227 See who they use when there's a situation they can't handle. 182 00:07:50,228 --> 00:07:51,780 You're being a tad dramatic. 183 00:07:51,781 --> 00:07:52,955 Really? What's this? 184 00:07:53,749 --> 00:07:54,990 I don't know. A rash? 185 00:07:54,991 --> 00:07:57,061 Didn't walk in with it. 186 00:07:57,062 --> 00:08:00,858 Okay, if you really like Marcia, don't give her a mystery rash. 187 00:08:00,859 --> 00:08:02,826 It's sad we even have to tell you that. 188 00:08:02,827 --> 00:08:06,243 I hear you. I do care about Marcia. 189 00:08:06,244 --> 00:08:08,073 But I really think I can do this by myself. 190 00:08:09,247 --> 00:08:11,766 Hey, Moo goo gai pan? 191 00:08:11,767 --> 00:08:13,251 See, I'm ready to go. 192 00:08:14,459 --> 00:08:15,942 All right, this place looks cool. 193 00:08:15,943 --> 00:08:17,324 You know, nondescript. Low key. 194 00:08:22,191 --> 00:08:23,709 Dude. 195 00:08:23,710 --> 00:08:25,987 I don't know about this place. What is that? 196 00:08:25,988 --> 00:08:28,990 Don't just stand there. Come on in! 197 00:08:28,991 --> 00:08:32,338 No thanks. Take your shirt off! 198 00:08:32,339 --> 00:08:34,167 Excuse me? Did I stutter? 199 00:08:35,963 --> 00:08:39,552 Okay. Okay. "Creepy old lady with her pants off," bar off the list! 200 00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:40,692 Yeah. 201 00:08:42,901 --> 00:08:48,286 Okay, everybody, the New Bar Search Committee meeting is in order. 202 00:08:49,218 --> 00:08:50,459 How did everybody do? 203 00:08:50,460 --> 00:08:51,771 No luck. 204 00:08:51,772 --> 00:08:53,635 It turns out the Salty Dog is a salty gay bar. 205 00:08:53,636 --> 00:08:55,430 And apparently we weren't attractive enough. 206 00:08:55,431 --> 00:08:58,226 That guy Jimmy really... He hurt my feelings. 207 00:08:58,227 --> 00:09:01,160 Come on, guys, this is Chicago. It's the land of bars. 208 00:09:01,161 --> 00:09:02,299 It shouldn't be this hard. 209 00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:04,266 But all the good bars are claimed, Peej. 210 00:09:04,267 --> 00:09:06,890 Hey, look at this new place that just opened up in my neighborhood. 211 00:09:06,891 --> 00:09:09,548 New is good. We could be the first ones to plant a flag there. 212 00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,654 Listen to this, The Angry Badger. 213 00:09:12,655 --> 00:09:18,522 It says, "Grown-up vibe, good food, best gastro pub in town." 214 00:09:18,523 --> 00:09:20,697 And it's got to have a better wine list than Crowley's. 215 00:09:20,698 --> 00:09:22,906 List? List implies two. 216 00:09:22,907 --> 00:09:25,046 Done, we'll try The Angry Badger. Yeah. 217 00:09:25,047 --> 00:09:26,289 Okay. Good! 218 00:09:26,876 --> 00:09:29,015 Hey! Hey! 219 00:09:29,016 --> 00:09:30,948 Sorry I'm late. I just spent the last few hours cleaning my apartment. 220 00:09:30,949 --> 00:09:33,537 But I am done. 221 00:09:33,538 --> 00:09:37,368 That's impossible. It should have taken you till next week. 222 00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:39,439 I just need you ladies to sign off. 223 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:41,752 And then I can tell Marcia the truth and finally get this lie off my chest. 224 00:09:41,753 --> 00:09:44,479 Why bother? Aren't there tons of other lies just buried underneath it? 225 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,275 Like what? Like your mom is Ginger from Gilligan's Island. 226 00:09:47,276 --> 00:09:48,828 You sailed in the America's Cup. 227 00:09:48,829 --> 00:09:50,347 You're Hungarian royalty. 228 00:09:50,348 --> 00:09:53,592 I haven't told her that one yet. I'm waiting for the right moment. 229 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,525 Welcome back to my apartment and Marcia's. 230 00:09:56,526 --> 00:09:57,596 Wow. 231 00:09:59,081 --> 00:10:03,084 And it smells like an old building. Not feet or death. 232 00:10:03,085 --> 00:10:06,328 Oh, it's Honey Ocean. I must have burned like 300 of them. 233 00:10:06,329 --> 00:10:08,399 Yeah, it smells good, and chicks dig candles. 234 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,539 I can see through the shower door. 235 00:10:10,540 --> 00:10:13,370 Well, Mike, you're off to a really good start. 236 00:10:13,371 --> 00:10:15,924 Start? What do you mean start? 237 00:10:15,925 --> 00:10:20,860 Well, I mean, it is clean, which, don't get me wrong, is a miracle. 238 00:10:20,861 --> 00:10:23,898 But it's still not, Marcia-tized. 239 00:10:23,899 --> 00:10:25,038 But, I, uh... 240 00:10:26,695 --> 00:10:27,971 I did the shower. 241 00:10:27,972 --> 00:10:30,111 I bought a candle. 242 00:10:30,112 --> 00:10:33,148 You have reached the minimum legal level of hygiene. 243 00:10:33,149 --> 00:10:37,152 But you still need to show that, you know, you live here. 244 00:10:37,153 --> 00:10:40,121 Right, like furniture, artwork. 245 00:10:40,122 --> 00:10:41,536 Matching towels. 246 00:10:41,537 --> 00:10:43,089 Plates that aren't made out of paper, you know. 247 00:10:43,090 --> 00:10:46,127 A bed that isn't just a mattress on the ground. 248 00:10:46,128 --> 00:10:47,300 That's all just stuff. 249 00:10:47,301 --> 00:10:49,233 It's not just stuff. 250 00:10:49,234 --> 00:10:52,581 Grown men own nice things because they're invested in their lives. 251 00:10:52,582 --> 00:10:54,411 They've made a home for themselves. 252 00:10:54,412 --> 00:10:58,657 An adult apartment says something about, well, your taste and personality. 253 00:10:58,658 --> 00:10:59,899 I'm a minimalist. 254 00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:01,867 I'm spiritual, like the guy from Kung Fu. 255 00:11:01,868 --> 00:11:03,869 The guy from Kung Fu didn't have an apartment. 256 00:11:03,870 --> 00:11:07,356 You know, I tried really hard with this place, and I thought I did pretty good. 257 00:11:08,737 --> 00:11:11,255 I just want to mope in my chair. 258 00:11:11,256 --> 00:11:14,224 All right, Mike, come on. We'll take you to Crate and Barrel. 259 00:11:14,225 --> 00:11:15,881 We'll get you everything you need. 260 00:11:15,882 --> 00:11:18,504 Yeah, we'll have this place looking like a catalog in no time. 261 00:11:20,541 --> 00:11:24,337 No. If I'm going to be worthy of Marcia, then I have to do this myself. 262 00:11:24,338 --> 00:11:27,547 You said my place was supposed to be an expression of my taste and personality. 263 00:11:27,548 --> 00:11:28,688 I did say that. 264 00:11:29,654 --> 00:11:31,276 Why did you say that? 265 00:11:33,589 --> 00:11:37,040 Wow, this is nice. Beautiful bar. 266 00:11:37,041 --> 00:11:40,975 Mmm-hmm, nice atmosphere, no adolescent games. 267 00:11:40,976 --> 00:11:43,081 And menus on giant chalkboards. 268 00:11:46,464 --> 00:11:50,053 Mesdames, my brothers, can I offer you a quality beverage? 269 00:11:50,054 --> 00:11:51,226 What beer do you have? 270 00:11:51,227 --> 00:11:52,400 Oh, "What beer do we have?" 271 00:11:52,401 --> 00:11:55,679 Okay, we have over 400 kinds of microbrews. 272 00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:58,440 What's the Wretched Lady Mid-August stout? 273 00:11:58,441 --> 00:12:01,754 It's from Oregon, a slightly caramel finish. 274 00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:04,309 Similar to the Smelly Dragon Summer Wheat. 275 00:12:07,278 --> 00:12:08,830 No? Okay. 276 00:12:08,831 --> 00:12:10,383 What's the Trappist Ale? 277 00:12:10,384 --> 00:12:14,042 Ah, the hops are handpicked by Belgian monks. 278 00:12:14,043 --> 00:12:15,595 Slightly higher alcohol content. 279 00:12:15,596 --> 00:12:17,944 Done! 280 00:12:22,569 --> 00:12:25,329 Ugh, I taste lawn. 281 00:12:25,330 --> 00:12:28,919 And chocolate. And monk sandals. 282 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:32,164 This is awful. I think I found a twig in mine. 283 00:12:32,165 --> 00:12:35,995 There's no TV. And it's library quiet in here. 284 00:12:35,996 --> 00:12:39,378 I call bullshit on this place. Well, I like it. 285 00:12:39,379 --> 00:12:41,518 My Cabernet is delicious. 286 00:12:41,519 --> 00:12:45,177 I'm sorry, but would you mind keeping your voice down? You're waking Sheffield. 287 00:12:46,282 --> 00:12:48,421 Is that the baby? 288 00:12:48,422 --> 00:12:52,840 Um, excuse me. It is so quiet in here, I can hear the hops ferment. 289 00:12:52,841 --> 00:12:54,497 Okay, keep your pants on. 290 00:12:57,500 --> 00:13:03,298 Uh, I don't want to alarm anyone, but have you taken a close look at those guys? 291 00:13:03,299 --> 00:13:05,507 Oh, yeah, except for the guy in the Clash shirt, 292 00:13:05,508 --> 00:13:08,096 they're all an older, uncool version of us. 293 00:13:08,097 --> 00:13:10,616 Our future isn't looking very fun. 294 00:13:10,617 --> 00:13:15,897 More like, "Did you see this funny New Yorker cartoon? That crab is furious." 295 00:13:15,898 --> 00:13:18,520 I'm not ready to be old and boring. 296 00:13:18,521 --> 00:13:21,869 I am young and vibrant and deserving of a good bar. 297 00:13:21,870 --> 00:13:22,939 Well, we can keep searching. 298 00:13:22,940 --> 00:13:25,631 Or we can just take Crowley's back. 299 00:13:25,632 --> 00:13:29,152 We nurtured that place. We built it from the ground up. 300 00:13:29,153 --> 00:13:31,361 Are we just gonna let it be taken over by a bunch of kids? 301 00:13:31,362 --> 00:13:32,638 No! Yes! 302 00:13:32,639 --> 00:13:35,917 Our home has been infested by little ants. 303 00:13:35,918 --> 00:13:38,678 And I say it's time we stomp them out! 304 00:13:38,679 --> 00:13:40,163 I'm so attracted to you right now. 305 00:13:40,164 --> 00:13:42,924 Bobby, there's no time. We gotta get rid of the ants! 306 00:13:42,925 --> 00:13:48,999 And I say the only way we do that is to turn Crowley's into a place they don't want to be. 307 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:53,245 So all of those in favor of Operation Take Back Crowley's, say, "Aye!" 308 00:13:53,246 --> 00:13:54,971 Aye! Really? 309 00:13:54,972 --> 00:13:57,352 Can you please keep it down? No, we can't! 310 00:13:58,596 --> 00:14:00,010 Oh! 311 00:14:00,011 --> 00:14:02,427 Oh, sorry, little Sheffield. 312 00:14:10,573 --> 00:14:14,335 Okay, people, if we're going to make this the worst bar ever, we have to stay strong. 313 00:14:14,336 --> 00:14:17,891 Remember, we have to destroy Crowley's to save it. 314 00:14:25,140 --> 00:14:26,934 That's one. 315 00:14:26,935 --> 00:14:29,039 Okay, Steph. It's go-time. Do you copy? 316 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:30,489 I'm doing this under protest. 317 00:14:30,490 --> 00:14:32,042 Don't make me say "copy." 318 00:14:32,043 --> 00:14:34,527 Okay, but do you? Copy. 319 00:14:34,528 --> 00:14:36,185 This way, ladies. 320 00:14:40,362 --> 00:14:41,810 God, I hate flower ladies. 321 00:14:41,811 --> 00:14:44,676 Look at them, selling flowers. Drives me crazy. 322 00:14:47,610 --> 00:14:50,129 Uh, can I get everyone's attention, please? 323 00:14:50,130 --> 00:14:51,544 Hi, uh... 324 00:14:51,545 --> 00:14:54,409 We're starting a new tradition here at Crowley's. 325 00:14:54,410 --> 00:14:59,138 "Open Mic Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays." 326 00:14:59,139 --> 00:15:02,141 Uh, lots of jokes and songs. 327 00:15:02,142 --> 00:15:05,248 Maybe some mime! Who knows? 328 00:15:05,249 --> 00:15:07,940 Hope you guys are into it, all right. 329 00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:10,080 Thanks for coming out. You guys are really cool. 330 00:15:10,081 --> 00:15:12,013 Keep it up. Great energy. 331 00:15:12,014 --> 00:15:14,636 Uh, what's up with dating? 332 00:15:14,637 --> 00:15:18,193 Basically, you're saying, "I find you interesting. Let me spend 50 bucks on you." 333 00:15:19,884 --> 00:15:21,196 Uh... 334 00:15:22,645 --> 00:15:26,786 Hey, butterflies. It's like a stick of butter, but it flies? 335 00:15:26,787 --> 00:15:28,754 That doesn't make any sense! 336 00:15:28,755 --> 00:15:30,618 Plastic forks... Thanks for coming. 337 00:15:30,619 --> 00:15:33,207 They don't even work. 338 00:15:33,208 --> 00:15:35,347 Hey, what up with Kelly Ripa's arms? 339 00:15:35,348 --> 00:15:36,901 Man, she could kick my butt! 340 00:15:39,352 --> 00:15:41,146 Peace out. 341 00:15:41,147 --> 00:15:47,221 ♪ My girlfriend's a pineapple 342 00:15:47,222 --> 00:15:50,224 ♪ But she certainly ain't no peach ♪ 343 00:15:50,225 --> 00:15:52,192 By the way, I wasn't aware of this. 344 00:15:56,369 --> 00:15:57,610 What is this? 345 00:15:57,611 --> 00:16:00,234 Does it matter? It's doing its job. 346 00:16:00,235 --> 00:16:02,891 This music hates everybody under 25. 347 00:16:02,892 --> 00:16:05,791 No, this music hates everyone. 348 00:16:05,792 --> 00:16:08,414 Dude, how long did you program the jukebox for? 349 00:16:08,415 --> 00:16:10,692 Four hours! We're halfway there! 350 00:16:10,693 --> 00:16:13,040 I can't take it anymore! 351 00:16:13,041 --> 00:16:16,216 Just hold on! I feel like I'm going to have a seizure. 352 00:16:18,149 --> 00:16:19,874 Oh, our table's free! 353 00:16:23,051 --> 00:16:26,536 I told you! Thank you, creepy speed metal band! 354 00:16:26,537 --> 00:16:28,331 Actually, I gotta go, dudes. 355 00:16:28,332 --> 00:16:30,574 What? No! We just got our spot back! 356 00:16:30,575 --> 00:16:33,646 No, I gotta go. I'm meeting Marcia back at my apartment. 357 00:16:33,647 --> 00:16:35,717 I'm coming clean. So, wish me luck! 358 00:16:35,718 --> 00:16:38,582 Wait, whoa, Kung Fu. What do you mean? 359 00:16:38,583 --> 00:16:40,308 Yeah, are you sure you're ready? 360 00:16:40,309 --> 00:16:42,621 I have to be. The lie is stressing me out. 361 00:16:42,622 --> 00:16:46,556 Plus, there's an open house tomorrow. So come what may, it's time. 362 00:16:47,696 --> 00:16:49,317 Oh! Oh! 363 00:16:49,318 --> 00:16:52,493 Okay, kids, gotta a block of Slipknot coming up for you, but first, 364 00:16:52,494 --> 00:16:55,116 it's the latest from Killswitch Engage. 365 00:16:59,259 --> 00:17:02,297 I don't understand. What are we doing here? Where are we? 366 00:17:03,643 --> 00:17:05,747 Marcia, I need to tell you something. 367 00:17:05,748 --> 00:17:08,785 I knew it! It's the two week mark. 368 00:17:08,786 --> 00:17:13,031 This is when I find out that you need to borrow 10 grand? 369 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,722 Your wife's about to get out of prison. 370 00:17:14,723 --> 00:17:15,964 Is there a head in the freezer? 371 00:17:15,965 --> 00:17:18,898 No! It's not that bad. It's a huge lie. 372 00:17:18,899 --> 00:17:21,625 Uh, Marcia, this is my real place. 373 00:17:21,626 --> 00:17:24,560 As in, you live here? With your other family? 374 00:17:25,492 --> 00:17:27,907 No! I'm alone. 375 00:17:27,908 --> 00:17:30,910 But that place on Webster belongs to a friend of mine. 376 00:17:30,911 --> 00:17:32,671 I was just taking care of his plants. 377 00:17:32,672 --> 00:17:35,882 So you pretended to live somewhere else? 378 00:17:37,953 --> 00:17:39,229 Well, this is a new one. 379 00:17:39,230 --> 00:17:42,301 Yeah, and I was going to tell you, but... 380 00:17:42,302 --> 00:17:46,581 You liked that other place so much, and I like you. 381 00:17:46,582 --> 00:17:50,172 And I want to be the guy you think I am. But I'm not. 382 00:17:51,139 --> 00:17:53,381 I'm this guy. 383 00:17:53,382 --> 00:17:57,317 And, um, I'm really sorry that I didn't tell you sooner. 384 00:17:58,974 --> 00:17:59,975 I get it. 385 00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:02,045 I'm a fox. 386 00:18:02,046 --> 00:18:03,564 You did what you had to do to keep me. 387 00:18:03,565 --> 00:18:04,703 Yeah. 388 00:18:04,704 --> 00:18:08,051 Okay, well, let's see what you've got. 389 00:18:08,052 --> 00:18:09,811 'Cause I'm not that impressed with this hallway. 390 00:18:09,812 --> 00:18:12,263 Okay. I hope you like it. 391 00:18:13,816 --> 00:18:16,715 Well, here goes. 392 00:18:16,716 --> 00:18:19,132 Wait. Wait a second. 393 00:18:22,066 --> 00:18:24,724 Okay, sweetie, I'm ready. 394 00:18:34,768 --> 00:18:36,355 I can't believe we did it. 395 00:18:36,356 --> 00:18:38,944 Those kids are finally gone. 396 00:18:38,945 --> 00:18:41,774 Metal, baby, powerful stuff. 397 00:18:41,775 --> 00:18:43,329 Welcome home, everybody. 398 00:18:47,436 --> 00:18:50,818 What happened? Where's the cast of Jersey Shore? 399 00:18:50,819 --> 00:18:53,234 I go to a Cubs game and they all disappear? 400 00:18:53,235 --> 00:18:55,892 Yeah... I don't know. 401 00:18:55,893 --> 00:18:57,411 Circle of life, Crowley. 402 00:18:57,412 --> 00:18:59,551 Okay, you guys win. 403 00:18:59,552 --> 00:19:02,726 But, it's on you to drink the 70 cases of Old Smile I'm stuck with. 404 00:19:02,727 --> 00:19:04,452 Hey, did you enjoy those tickets, though? 405 00:19:04,453 --> 00:19:07,973 I did. Jeff Samardzija got the win. 406 00:19:07,974 --> 00:19:09,182 It was a weird one. 407 00:19:12,012 --> 00:19:16,084 Uh-oh, Mike is asking us to come to his house. 408 00:19:16,085 --> 00:19:17,880 Yeah, he's calling for backup. 409 00:19:23,127 --> 00:19:26,440 Okay, wait. What's the plan if we find Mike in a ball, crying? 410 00:19:26,441 --> 00:19:28,511 We take him to Indiana and get him on a riverboat. 411 00:19:28,512 --> 00:19:30,030 That always helps his mood. Yeah. 412 00:19:31,687 --> 00:19:32,757 Come in! 413 00:19:35,588 --> 00:19:37,140 Oh, my God! What? 414 00:19:37,141 --> 00:19:38,245 Whoa! 415 00:19:38,246 --> 00:19:40,730 What? No way. 416 00:19:40,731 --> 00:19:42,594 This place is... 417 00:19:42,595 --> 00:19:44,147 Exactly like it's always been. 418 00:19:44,148 --> 00:19:47,668 Yes! Unchanged! Tastefully unchanged! 419 00:19:47,669 --> 00:19:50,395 You guys are crazy. Grab a beer. 420 00:19:50,396 --> 00:19:52,570 You know where they are, in the fridge. 421 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:56,021 Oh! 422 00:19:56,022 --> 00:20:01,613 Whoa! It's filled with beer and, like, three kinds of food! 423 00:20:01,614 --> 00:20:02,753 Like always. 424 00:20:03,616 --> 00:20:04,858 Like always! 425 00:20:06,101 --> 00:20:07,791 Here, let me help you. 426 00:20:07,792 --> 00:20:09,068 Oh! 427 00:20:09,069 --> 00:20:11,726 This place looks amazing. I'm so proud of you. 428 00:20:11,727 --> 00:20:14,419 Yeah, thanks, it feels really, really great. 429 00:20:14,420 --> 00:20:16,662 So, Marcia, what do you think? 430 00:20:16,663 --> 00:20:19,217 Was it worth it for Mike to sell the townhouse and get this one bedroom? 431 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:22,185 That's okay, Brendan. Mike told me everything. 432 00:20:22,186 --> 00:20:24,014 I'm actually relieved. 433 00:20:24,015 --> 00:20:26,258 That other place felt haunted. 434 00:20:26,259 --> 00:20:28,881 Like some horrible man-monster lived there. 435 00:20:28,882 --> 00:20:30,607 Yeah. That is true. 436 00:20:30,608 --> 00:20:32,885 Hmm. Yeah, I love this place. 437 00:20:32,886 --> 00:20:34,611 It feels like Mike. 438 00:20:34,612 --> 00:20:37,027 Thanks. Yeah. 439 00:20:37,028 --> 00:20:40,859 And, as long as we're coming clean with each other, Mike, I need to borrow 10 grand. 440 00:20:40,860 --> 00:20:43,033 I'm kidding. I do. 441 00:20:43,034 --> 00:20:46,174 No, come on. But do you think down the road, I could borrow $10,000? 442 00:20:46,175 --> 00:20:49,661 No? 443 00:20:49,662 --> 00:20:51,904 They are weirdly perfect for each other, aren't they? 444 00:20:51,905 --> 00:20:54,113 Yeah. 445 00:20:54,114 --> 00:20:57,670 Home is where the heart is. But still, it'd really be better if you had a sofa.